How to get the most healing from therapy sessions

Why therapy doesn’t work:

When we start therapy, we believe the dialogue and the details don't matter.

Unbeknownst to us, we’re there to hear the magic sentence that makes our problems and pain go away.

More and more people believe the entire purpose of therapy is to show up and get a diagnosis, then with that diagnosis, you instantly understand yourself and feel better.

(I blame the TikTokification of mental health for throwing gasoline on the fire of this “diagnosis + quick fix” mentality.)

On the other side, the therapist is often unaware that’s what the client expects. The average graduate school training program doesn’t prepare you for it.

So there’s an expectation mismatch: the client expects a magic sentence. The therapist doesn’t know that’s the expectation, so they can’t speak to it.

And so the client leaves, understandably disappointed, believing therapy doesn’t work.

What about when therapy DOES work?

There’s no magic recipe. But these are some of my favorite ingredients:

1. A willingness to be uncomfortable

Growth comes when we’re uncomfortable, so some willingness here is crucial. A therapist can gently nudge you towards what you’ve been avoiding. They can’t force you there.

It’s ok to lean in reluctantly. But you have to lean in.

I thought about including “a willingness to change,” but it’s not necessary. If you’re willing to face uncomfortable truths about your life, change naturally comes- when it needs to.

2. A therapist you can see yourself trusting

More important than your therapist’s treatment modality, their credentials, or their years of experience, is finding someone you click with.

You don’t need to feel deep trust right off the bat- and your therapist shouldn’t expect that. Trust develops with time and investment.

But the seeds of trust should be there.

3. A willingness to feel, and talk about, your feelings

If I was forced to only use one tool for the rest of my therapy career, it would be the Feelings Wheel- a circular chart often used in group therapy to identify emotions.

Saying how you’re feeling, as you’re feeling it, is powerful.

4. Patience

Patience with the process, patience with yourself, and patience with life.

No one starts going to the gym expecting progress after two sessions. Therapy is similar, but we go when we’re in pain, so we want progress to come quickly. It takes time.

5. Consistency

Some of the best sessions occur when you don’t feel like showing up, then you process why you don’t feel like showing up.

Feelings, remember?

6. A supportive environment outside of therapy

Underrated and often overlooked.

Just like a plant needs sunlight, water, and rich soil to thrive, your progress in therapy is nurtured (or hindered) by the support (or lack thereof) you find around you.

How to make therapy work:

Understand that the process is about finding a comfortable space to work through the discomfort and uncertainty of life.

It’s about having a dialogue in a non-reactive observant mode. Change can happen rapidly, or it can take a number of sessions to calm the mind.

Healing and growth come from the process of developing a new worldview, not hearing getting a diagnosis, hearing a magic sentence, or unlocking some secret wisdom.